Gardening according to the goddess of fertility & abunda

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Gardening according to the goddess of fertility & abunda

Postby thin and crispy » Tue Jun 19, 2007 8:19 pm

In and around my hometown, we have a community of spaced-out hippies. They're mainly preoccupied with New Age "culture", shiny beads and the visionary teachings of Russell Grant - but some of them are also followers of that 19th century quack Rudlof Steiner, the godfather of "Biodynamic Gardening".

I was told recently that my bee-keeping NFH is involved in the Biodynamic Gardening cult, so I looked it up on the web. I was absolutely amazed with what I found, and I wondered whether anyone else here has come across this practice / belief system. In my humble opinion, it's about as credible as Crystal Healing; and seems to be put about by the same type of vacuous, pseudoscientific fraudsters that would shove a garnet up your ar*e as a cure for toothache.

Biodynamics is a natural gardening thing - but taken to really absurd "New Age" extremes. It's probably best described as "Organic Gardening on Steroids" (or should I say "on LSD"); a kind of agricultural Homeopathy, but with even less independent science to support it.

Don't get me wrong. There's obviously a modicum of common sense behind some of the practices involved (like recycling garden waste), but most of it is just nonsensical, pseudoscientific mumbo jumbo. If you think I'm being unfair, just read on. And in particular take a look at some of the web sites that I've listed at the end of this posting.

Apparently, biodynamic practitioners make a variety of magical elixirs, one of which they call Preparation 500.

No. It's not a treatment for haemorrhoids; it's actually the saviour of agriculture on Earth. It is made by packing a dead cow's horn with it's own fresh manure (or perhaps bull s**t would also suffice), and then burying it over the winter. As the whole process is a type of astrological alchemy, it's essential that the burial occurs precisely at the autumnal equinox. A day late would be, like, disastrous, man.

While the horn remains buried, the forces of the Winter Sun become concentrated by the inner planets, imbuing the cow manure with immense life-giving energy. When you dig the horn up in the spring, it's important to check the consistency of the manure contained within. You can either use Gas Chromatography (see, it really is scientific) or you can just stick your finger in it. If it doesn't have the sweet smell of a summer meadow something has gone terribly wrong. If all is well however, a small speck of the manure should be stirred into a barrel of fresh water before applying it to your crops.

The stirring ritual is an excuse for a great deal of psychedelic celebration in my locality. On the morning after a Full Moon, the local New Age / Hippy community gathers at dawn for a ceremonial "Stirring of The Five Hundred". I know it's hard to believe, but this really does happen at a nearby smallholding. Essentially, a group of sandal-wearing misfits stand around chanting to the sound of a flute while taking it in turns to stir a bucket of compost. Wow man, I'm tripping.

I don't mean to make it sound silly. It's a deadly serious matter. In fact, it's based upon an ancient spiritual understanding of Nature, which dates back through the aeons, to a time before the evolution of human intelligence.

In case anyone wants to have a go at "The Stirring of the Five Hundred", here's the recipe:

One hour before dawn, fill a bucket with water. Then at the moment of sunrise, add a tiny amount of horn-fermented cow manure and stir with a hazel broom stick. This generates a spiralling swirl in the water, which echoes the spiralling nature of all life. To prevent the life-giving energies from disappearing up their own vortex, a special stirring technique must be used. First, stir the mixture in a clockwise direction for one third of a minute. Then stir anticlockwise for a third of a minute. Repeat this continuously for exactly one hour. It's essential to get the timing precisely right, so you must use either a quartz stopwatch or a sundial.

Also, it's very hard work; so chanting helps, as do hallucinogenic drugs. Remember that Group Energy is really important, so (if you can) find a few like-minded friends to help in the ritual. Not sure whether they can be clothed or not.

Anyway, when the compost has been thoroughly stirred into natural spring water (for Gaia's sake don't use tap water!), you can spray it onto your plants during the first two hours after sunrise. It's important not to use one of those modern plastic sprayers. Instead flick droplets from a badger's-hair brush while skipping barefoot through your garden and humming "This is the Dawning of the Age of Aquarius...".

And, of course, be sure to choose the right day of the Biodynamic Cycle: spraying the enigmatic tincture over your rhubarb on a "Fire Day" would just be ridiculous.

Most important of all, never, ever spray Preparation 500 unless Mother Earth is breathing in. If she's breathing out, the stuff just goes everywhere and it's a bugg*r to get it out of your beard.

You can buy Preparation 500 "ready to stir" - in plastic bags believe it or not. (I thought commercial exploitation was abhorrent to these people, but I suppose there's always someone ready to take advantage of the gullible.)

Apparently you can also get a variety of other mystical composts. Crop yields can be enhanced ten-fold with microscopic amounts of Oak bark fermented in the skull of a mature horse. Simply scatter at a rate of 1 skull per 300 hectares (I told you it was scientific). Similarly, Yarrow stewed in the bladder of a male deer makes a wonderful pick-me-up for any summer border.

Whatever biodynamic preparation you use, it's essential that each stage of the sacred ritual is performed at the correct moment in the Lunar cycle. It's obvious if you think about it. The Moon gathers and focuses the energy of all the stars and constellations onto the Earth. (No wonder we're suffering from Global Warming.) Mother Earth then draws these elemental Fire, Air and Water energies down from the heavens in synchronicity with her daily rhythms. So you can see: it's pointless sowing your beans before lunchtime if the Moon is in conjunction with Saturn. And if you try dibbling your King Edwards with Mars in Uranus, you could do yourself a serious injury.

Anyway, I'm off to work, rest and play. Fertility and abundance to you all...


Sources

1. http://www.peagreenboat.co.uk
2. http://www.aracaria.com.au/preparations/500.shtml
3. http://www.biodynamics.com
4. http://www.biodynamic.org.uk

I rest my case.
.
Last edited by thin and crispy on Sun Sep 14, 2008 12:57 am, edited 8 times in total.
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Re: Gardening according to the goddess of fertility & ab

Postby arborlad » Tue Jun 19, 2007 9:07 pm

thin and crispy wrote:
One hour before dawn, fill a bucket with water. When the sun is just rising, add a tiny amount of horn-fermented cow manure and stir with a hazel broom stick. This generates a spiralling vortex in the water, which echoes the spiralling nature of all life. To prevent the life-giving energies from disappearing up their own vortex, a special stirring technique must be used. First, you must stir the mixture in a clockwise direction for one third of a minute. Then stir anticlockwise for a third of a minute. Repeat this continuously for exactly one hour. It's essential to get the timing precisely right, so you must use either a quartz stopwatch or a sundial.

.


I think I've just spotted one tiny flaw in that recipe :lol:

I once heard lay lines described as, lines on a map, joining other points of equal gullibility.

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Re: Gardening according to the goddess of fertility & ab

Postby Rowan » Tue Jun 19, 2007 9:15 pm

arborlad wrote: ..........I once heard lay lines described as, lines on a map, joining other points of equal gullibility........

Mind if I borrow that when some 'young' student raises leylines in my archaeology class? :lol:
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Re: Gardening according to the goddess of fertility & ab

Postby arborlad » Tue Jun 19, 2007 9:22 pm

Rowan wrote:
arborlad wrote: ..........I once heard lay lines described as, lines on a map, joining other points of equal gullibility........

Mind if I borrow that when some 'young' student raises leylines in my archaeology class? :lol:


Please do...........and thanks for the spelling correction :lol:

It's a word I've only ever heard spoken, so took a guess :D


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Postby thin and crispy » Tue Jun 19, 2007 9:45 pm

arborlad wrote:
thin and crispy wrote:One hour before dawn, fill a bucket with water. When the sun is just rising, add a tiny amount of horn-fermented cow manure and stir with a hazel broom stick. This generates a spiralling vortex in the water, which echoes the spiralling nature of all life. To prevent the life-giving energies from disappearing up their own vortex, a special stirring technique must be used. First, you must stir the mixture in a clockwise direction for one third of a minute. Then stir anticlockwise for a third of a minute. Repeat this continuously for exactly one hour. It's essential to get the timing precisely right, so you must use either a quartz stopwatch or a sundial.


I think I've just spotted one tiny flaw in that recipe :lol:


Thanks for that arborlad, but I have to say that I think I'm sensing a serious Cosmic imbalance between your Water and Fire energies. If you adopt the Lotus position, ascend to the Seventh Astral Plane and take a squint at my posting through your Third Eye, you'll see what I mean. A holistic view of the paragraph makes perfect sense. :lol:

Peace and harmony...
Last edited by thin and crispy on Wed Jun 20, 2007 10:48 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Postby paddy's mum » Wed Jun 20, 2007 9:56 am

My word, thin and crispy, you certainly know how to "turn a phrase".

This piece had me laughing so hard, I spluttered half-chewed cornflakes (or should that be lunar-shaped discs of bodily sustenance) all over the keyboard! Thank you for a laughing start to my day :lol:
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Postby thin and crispy » Thu Jun 21, 2007 1:14 am

Pleased to please, Paddy's Mum. Glad you liked it and thanks for saying so.

On a more serious note, I must issue an urgent warning to anyone thinking of taking up Biodynamic Gardening.

I've just discovered that Preparation 500 can have some very worrying side effects. User's have reported seeing "a web of formative force formations weaving themselves in the air" above the treated soil. These esoteric structures are apparently held in place by the power of thought. Oh, and by Gnomes. Not the little chubby fellows that we're all familiar with. I'm talking about headless Gnomes, with no genitals, and wearing suits of shining armour. Don't just take my word for it, it's all here:

http://www.aracaria.com.au/preparations/about_biodynamic_article.htm

Because these Gnomes are almost ten feet tall, they have an excessive power and influence over your hanging baskets. It's very important to balance this by spraying liberally with another Biodynamic concoction called Preparation 501 (available in 10g bags; £199.99 from: http://www.enviro-mentals-R-us.com).
.
Last edited by thin and crispy on Thu Jun 21, 2007 5:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby nigelrb » Thu Jun 21, 2007 5:41 am

I am a strong proponent of fertility gardening. It is this practice which led to the conception of my daughter. Perhaps not as the 'hippies' would endorse, but a romp on carpeted tufts of lush green lawn alonside poppies and azaleas is pure ecstacy - as long as you mind the cactii!!

Cheers, Nigel
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Postby thin and crispy » Fri Jun 22, 2007 12:07 am

Steady now Nigel. You'll be making the Biodynamic Gnomes jealous.
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Postby ned » Fri Jun 22, 2007 9:46 am

anyone know where to purchase the horn ?
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Postby arborlad » Fri Jun 22, 2007 5:19 pm

thin and crispy wrote:
arborlad wrote:
thin and crispy wrote:One hour before dawn, fill a bucket with water. When the sun is just rising, add a tiny amount of horn-fermented cow manure and stir with a hazel broom stick. This generates a spiralling vortex in the water, which echoes the spiralling nature of all life. To prevent the life-giving energies from disappearing up their own vortex, a special stirring technique must be used. First, you must stir the mixture in a clockwise direction for one third of a minute. Then stir anticlockwise for a third of a minute. Repeat this continuously for exactly one hour. It's essential to get the timing precisely right, so you must use either a quartz stopwatch or a sundial.


I think I've just spotted one tiny flaw in that recipe :lol:


Thanks for that arborlad, but I have to say that I think I'm sensing a serious Cosmic imbalance between your Water and Fire energies. If you adopt the Lotus position, ascend to the Seventh Astral Plane and take a squint at my posting through your Third Eye, you'll see what I mean. A holistic view of the paragraph makes perfect sense. :lol:

Peace and harmony...


How perceptive of you :D

All my hot water comes from a wood burning stove, if I put my hand on the return pipe, I can tell if my water is hot enough for a bath. On the day you wrote this, the boiler had been going well for an hour or so, but still a cold return pipe - odd I thought, but put a couple more logs on. It wasn't until I went into the bathroom, that I noticed the slowly running hot tap in the basin - why didn't you tell me sooner :lol:

I tried the Lotus position for greater enlightenment - but all I got was a cold bum, the Uttanasana is much better for focusing the Third eye.

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Postby thin and crispy » Fri Jun 22, 2007 9:05 pm

Sorry for not prophesising your tap problems Arborlad. An Esoteric Revelation of that magnitude will come to me only when the great Earth Goddess decrees - I can't faucet. :?

I do agree with your insight into the Uttanasana. I can personally attest to the fact that it helps one achieve a profound spiritual self-knowledge. The abdominal compression induces a harmonious internal consonance, and the extreme bending motion can even invoke a manifestation of the Soniferous Ether. :oops:
Last edited by thin and crispy on Thu Aug 07, 2008 11:43 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Postby paddy's mum » Fri Jun 22, 2007 9:49 pm

Uttanasana? Sounds more like it should be spelled 'utter nonsense' to me - also once known by the very medical latin term getuinaknotticus et popov or 'this way to the osteopath'! :D
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Postby Uriah Heap » Fri Jun 22, 2007 10:06 pm

ned wrote:anyone know where to purchase the horn ?

ned you can get tablets for that. have you tried reading your spam :wink:
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Postby ned » Sun Jun 24, 2007 6:56 pm

spam ? do they still sell that ?? :wink:
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