Gardening according to the goddess of fertility & abunda

For anyone interested in gardening & a bit of light relief from the problems of this world

Re: Gardening according to the goddess of fertility & abunda

Postby Uriah Heap » Wed Sep 09, 2015 8:48 pm

I am glad they restored this thread after all the technical probs. Bst laugh I have had about compost in a decade. Somebody should save all this in case it gets losts again
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Re: Gardening according to the goddess of fertility & abunda

Postby Uriah Heap » Thu Dec 31, 2015 3:49 pm

Guess what I got for Christmas? Told my son about this and he brought me a biodynamic planting calender and some compost preperation 5-0-1 as a joke. Not sure what do do with them though. I dont want to be invaded with 10 foot gnomes. Ha ha. Happy new year.
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Re: Gardening according to the goddess of fertility & abunda

Postby thin and crispy » Sun Feb 07, 2016 1:55 pm

Hello Uriah. That sounds like a great gift. But please don't fear the gnomes. They are already there in your garden; you just won't be able to see them until you embrace the New Age lifestyle and let the sunlight enter your inner void. That's exactly what I did in 2010 after I met my life-partner, Jocasta, and moved into the Yurt we built on our council allotment in Solihull.

Because of that big change in my life, I am now able to offer you a very different perspective on Biodynamics and Anthroposophy. I'm sorry that it won't be amusing like my previous contributions, but six years on a strict vegetarian diet of lentils, organic chick peas and high-fibre brown rice does tend to curb one's sense the humour: most of the time, I'm frightened to laugh. Nevertheless, if you want to hear about Biodynamic compost I'm ready and willing to spread the word: I have learnt a great deal about New Age fertilizer over the last few years and I'm very happy to share my expertise with everyone here. I fact, I'm more than happy ... which might have something to do with those tasty little mushrooms growing under the hedge ... but I digress.

Firstly - and I hope you don't mind me correcting one mistake, Uriah - the Biodynamic preparations 500 to 507 are not, in fact, compost. The "preps", as we call them, are actually mystical tinctures, elixirs and powders that one can either add to the compost heap (preps 502-507) or simply spray around one's garden (preps 500 and 501). It is difficult to explain to the uninitiated how the Biodynamic preparations work, but in essence they promote a kind of agricultural karma and "oneness" in the garden, which helps all the local nature spirits to feel calm, relaxed and contented around your vegetables.

As I've mentioned before, the preps are made from a variety of spiritual nutrients, like amethyst crystals, deer bladders and horse skulls (available from all good New Age stockists). Some of these ingredients are extremely precious, and are reserved only for "special" customers. You might qualify as "special" if you're willing to spend a few hundred quid on Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh (the "Three Kings Preparation") to spray on your cabbages. (When visiting your local Biodynamic suppliers, please remember to wear a bright-orange tie-dyed kaftan and a fluorescent headband, as they really do like to see you coming.) Don't worry if you can't afford the Three Kings Preparation: you can always buy one of the cheaper instant Biodynamic preps instead. Good ones for beginners include Preparation 501 (powdered mystical quartz crystal) and Preparation 500 (powdered mystical cow sh1t), which you can use, along with a tab or two of LSD, to enrich your gardening experience.

It goes without saying, however, that all the Biodynamic preparations in the world would be totally useless without that mainstay of the Steinerist garden: good old-fashioned compost. The Biodynamic variety comes in two very special forms: Esoteric and Physical.

The "esoteric" component is that ethereal dimension of compost which springs magically into existence when you practice Biodynamic rituals. It's a transient entity that exists only in your mind - a sort of "mental compost" or "well-rotted thought". But, of course, that's only half the story; and we really mustn't forget compost's physical dimension. It is, after all, the core constituent of Steinerist philosophy. The sacred texts teach us that the compost heap must be venerated as a towering and potent monument to Gaia. It is written that the compost bin will resonate with the cosmic ether and act as the focal point for all of the garden's life forces, drawing in positive energies from the planets, the ley lines, and nearby wind chimes.

So how do you go about building such a magical and awe-inspiring creation? Well, you must first ensure that your compost is in harmony with Mother Earth (no surprise there). Unity with the soul of our planet is best achieved by building adequate drainage into the base of the heap whilst, of course, wearing a white robe and a pair of stag's antlers.

The ancient druidic priests appeased the driads (tree-dwelling nature spirits) by tearing strips of cloth from their cloaks and tying them to the branches of sacred trees. You can make similar offerings to your garden's elemental beings by hanging items of old clothing around the compost bin. However, you do have to be careful what clothes you use. The wife tells me that my socks create an aura that sours compost and attracts evil spirits. Apparently, the good nature spirits prefer other kinds of underwear; and they often take those garments away with them in the night. Our neighbour, Orlando, who is an expert on this sort of thing, recently advised Mrs T&C that the elemental gnomes have a particular fondness for lingerie - anything see-through or skimpy, apparently - just as long as it's unwashed. The sweatier the better, he said. I told her that it all seems a little sordid and perverted, but my wife has very liberal attitudes towards these things. And she's very single minded. "If the gnomes want well-worn lingerie" she says "then I insist they will have it!" Trouble is, it chafes a lot more than the boxers and string vest I'm used to.

Oh dear; sorry! I was supposed to be talking about compost, but I've gone off at a tangent again. (I go off at a tangent quite a lot since I've been wearing this tight lingerie.)

Anyway, back on topic. When you've finished building your compost heap, you should ritually dedicate it to the Goddess of Fertility and Abundance. There are various ways you can do this - e.g. using a cow's horn or a deer bladder filled with yarrow - but the most popular technique involves crystals, nudity and stuffing comfrey into a goat's rectum. I know you'll all be keen to give it a try, but please wait until late spring before attempting this ritual. Temperatures below 15C are not really amenable to nudity. Indeed, they often induce muscular spasms; and you can take it from me: you'll get a pretty frosty reception when you turn up at the vet's wearing nothing but a goat bracelet.

Whatever dedication ritual you use, your compost heap should have a definite ethereal presence - and a regular soaking with urine will certainly help in that regard. Flowing within the urine are the disembodied spirits of all the grains of brown rice, lentils and organic quinoa that have given their lives to sustain you. You should bear in mind that it can be difficult to amass sufficient urine unless, of course, you're lucky enough to live in a commune. Clearly, there's no reason why you shouldn't ask a neighbour to donate a couple of pints occasionally, but if my experience is anything to go by, she'll probably be reluctant - even if you do assure her you'll rinse the bottles before giving them back to the milkman.

If, despite your best efforts, urine turns out to be in short supply, you should keep the compost moist with the purest water you can find. Natural spring water is always the best (unless the spring is located near a mobile phone mast of course).

Failing that you should take the water from a Flow Form. This is a special waterfall consisting of seven buttock-shaped dishes arranged in a step-like cascade. For each dish, imagine the exquisitely-sculpted form that would result if Sir Eric Pickles removed his trousers and sat in wet concrete - the dish's outflow spout being the depression at the front left by Sir Eric's pickles.

But you don't have to use concrete (or invite Sir Eric round). You can buy a ready-made fibreglass Flow Form instead. They come flat-packed, so you can fit one into the back of a VW camper no trouble. When you get it home, just follow the assembly instructions, fill the tank with water, sacrifice your first born, and voilà: an utterly enchanting Waterfall of the Spirit. You can then sit back and relax to the sound of a gently babbling rivulet flowing, like the River of Time, through the Seven Ages of Man into the Pool of Celestial Tranquillity, whence it is impelled to the Place of Cosmic Rebirth by the Water Pump of Mystic Eternity. During the liquid's long and arduous journey, the seven bi-lobal bum dishes not only imbue it with life-giving energies, they also induce an effervescent swirling which gives the water a thorough polish - honest, you can see your face in it. Such clarity and purity of being is, of course, ideal for spraying onto your compost.

But please, please, please, never, ever be tempted to moisten your heap with tap water! This is a completely artificial type of water. Worse still, it has never flowed along natural underground gradients, so it is entirely "directionless". In scientific terms we would call it scalar water rather than the more natural vector water. Sprinkling tap water onto your heap will result in directionless compost, and it should go without saying that that's a recipe for total hydrotropic mayhem. In the absence of any directional cues, plants simply refuse to grow the right way up (it's true: I read it in New Scientist). And, if your plants do decide to grow backwards into the soil, no amount of coaxing, explanation or rational discussion will ever get them to see sense.

Unfortunately, unless you watch over your heap 24/7, there's a risk it will become contaminated with directionless tap water (some anti-Steinerist neighbours can be cruel and vicious). For this reason, you must always check the directionality of your compost before applying it to the soil. The best way is to use a technique called Pendular Divination. For this, you'll need a porcelain crucible and a crystal pendulum, which most of you will already have lying around in your potions cupboard. But not to worry if you don't have a crucible: just put a sample of your compost into another kind of porcelain receptacle instead - I use a tea cup or a toilet bowl. And if you're a crystal short of a pendulum simply substitute something of a similar conical shape, such as a parsnip. Just point your parsnip at the porcelain and see which way it swings. If it swings to the south, your compost has a downward direction so you'll need to start digging it into the highest part of your garden first, and then gradually work your way downhill. Conversely, if your parsnip swings to the north, uphill gardening will suit you better. Don't worry if your parsnip swings both ways: it's perfectly acceptable nowadays and probably means you're a very creative person.

Many Biodynamic practitioners like to erect a totem pole to watch over their compost heap. You can carve this yourself out of an old telegraph pole. Along with the faces of several local nature spirits, my totem pole has hand-carved representations of Dave Angel, Neil from "The Young Ones", Swampy the Eco-Warrior and Natalie Bennett. After I'd erected my pole and sat down to have a well-earned cup of herbal tea, I watched in amazement as the morphic fields emanating from my carvings caused yet another sculptural likeness - this time of Rupert Sheldrake's talking arse - to slowly materialise at the top of the pole.

If you decide to carve your own totem pole, it should be erected on the confluence of at least five ley lines (six is better). The compost bin should then be placed at the base of the pole; and around it you should plant the seven sacred Biodynamic herbs. Ideally, your entire compost mead should be established in the shade of a mature oak. The wood of this great and wondrous tree is the eighth sacred Biodynamic ingredient. Indeed, the mighty oak captures the existential character of the New Age community: an imperious presence, an unbending disposition, and a proliferation of dense little nuts. It is also a convenient yardstick for the divination of one's cosmo-spiritual intelligence, as the trunk may be readily sawn into two or more short planks.

Remember, however, that "all wood is murder" (unless it's your neighbour's conifer, in which case it's justifiable homicide), so if you do decide to butcher your oak tree you must first obtain the tree spirit's consent. The most respectful way to do this is to invite a few friends round to participate in a Vigil for the Driad. For obvious reasons, I can't divulge the ritual's dark incantations on an open forum like this, but you can read all about them in Steiner's "Ye Olde Worlde Booke of Biodynamicke Spelles". However, I can say that the Vigil is essentially a tree-embracing ritual in which you all paint yourselves with blue woad (Dulux 'Misty Lake' Matt Emulsion works almost as well), and then dance naked around a bonfire before communing with the newly-materialised tree spirit over a chalice of fresh virgin's blood. Obviously though, in this day and age, drinking virgin's blood is a big "no-no" - since Tony Blair relaxed the licensing laws you just can't find one anywhere - so we have to make do with a nice warm mug of Cup-A-Soup instead (mushroom flavour, obviously).

But, in any case, it is greatly preferable to leave your trees intact if you can. Remember: trees are people too; and planting more trees is a great way to make new friends. Indeed, planting a mature oak near your compost bin is undoubtedly the best way to become one with the Cosmic Organism. But don't worry if you've already blown your gardening budget on dream catchers, LSD and joss sticks. Laying a bag of oak chippings will be almost as spiritually fulfilling, and anyway you won't be able to take your eyes off those little green faeries dancing with that headless gnome. It's just magical... can you see all the colours man...


DISCLAIMER
The postings in this thread, and the portrayals of individuals, institutions, businesses and products contained therein, are presented for comedic purposes only. Whilst the themes referenced are based upon material from New Age sources, all representations, descriptions and comments pertaining to such - whether stated expressly or implied by association or phrasing - are solely expressions of my personal opinions and are not intended, or claimed, to be factual statements. Some names and characters are fictitious: any similarity to real persons, whether living, dead, or stoned off their tits, is entirely coincidental.
Prejudice, not being founded on reason, cannot be removed by argument. Samuel Johnson.
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Re: Gardening according to the goddess of fertility & abunda

Postby cleo5 » Sun Feb 07, 2016 3:07 pm

"There are more things in heaven and on earth Horatio....."

Water has memory.
Could it be that the water thus stirred holds something of the fertile nature of the compost made from cow dung and horn(bone meal)?
Sort of like homeopathy- a drop of a homeopathic tincture in gallons of water prevented mastitis in cows wheras the cows that drank the untreated water deveolped mastitis.(proven research).
I thought homeopathy a load of rubbish until I had great need of it. For me it works where allopathic medicine fails.
Acupuncture?.... barmy ? Why then does it work?
It's said that planting at a certain time of the moon 's cycle enourages better germination .
Plant marigolds near carrots and you don't get carrot fly.
Folk mocked at that once.
There is room for diverse thought and beliefs in the power of nature.
As long as those folk are doing no harm then surely that's all that matters?
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Re: Gardening according to the goddess of fertility & abunda

Postby thin and crispy » Mon Feb 08, 2016 4:17 pm

Hello Cleo. I hope I didn't cause any offence and that you don't mind me addressing a few of the things you mentioned.

cleo5 wrote:Water has memory.

No it doesn't. The immunologist Jacques Benveniste was disgraced after publishing (apparently falsified) results in the 1980s that purported to show that water had a memory. The New Age community seized upon his "findings", but despite the many subsequent properly-controled experiments by scientists across the world (all of which found his results to be, probably fraudulent, hokum), as well as Benveniste's own failure to reproduce his results, the New Agers still believe in it! That's almost the definition of irrationality.

cleo5 wrote:Could it be that the water thus stirred holds something of the fertile nature of the compost made from cow dung and horn(bone meal)?

That's surely not a serious question is it?

cleo5 wrote:Sort of like homeopathy- a drop of a homeopathic tincture in gallons of water prevented mastitis in cows wheras the cows that drank the untreated water deveolped mastitis.(proven research).

The New Age crowd are renowned for either selective quoting of data or publishing research that doesn't meet the basic scientific standards for a randomised double-blind and properly controlled trial. I imagine this "proven research" falls into one of these categories. If you think it doesn't, perhaps you could provide a link so we can all judge for ourselves. I'm pretty sure I know what we'll find. And I'm not psychic - honest!

cleo5 wrote:I thought homeopathy a load of rubbish until I had great need of it. For me it works where allopathic medicine fails.

I'm glad it helps with whatever ailment(s) you are experiencing Cleo, but I'm afraid it's down to nothing more than the placebo effect (which is a medically recognised, if only partially understood, phenomenon).

cleo5 wrote:Acupuncture?.... barmy ? Why then does it work?

No, acupuncture is not barmy; and it does work in some cases. There is plenty of evidence that the needles interact with our nerves and nerve endings to counter pain etc. It works a little bit like acupressure. The ancient Chinese explained it in terms of bodily energy flows, which made some sense to them at the time as they didn't have a good functional understanding of the nervous system. Their old explanation sounds a bit hippy-trippy nowadays, which is why the New Age nincompoops have seized upon it.

cleo5 wrote:It's said that planting at a certain time of the moon 's cycle enourages better germination .

Which time of the Moon's cycle? Why is it said? I can immediately think of two well-known biological processes that might come into play: phototropism and geotropism (lunatropism? - the effects of gravity on plant growth) - most likely the former. But I don't know whether their involvement (or, indeed, the effect itself) has been scientifically verified. What I'm sure about is that it is not caused by the Moon focussing positive cosmic energies upon the Earth, which is what some Biodynamic "experts" will have you believe.

cleo5 wrote:Plant marigolds near carrots and you don't get carrot fly.
Folk mocked at that once.

It's called companion planting; and it's pretty obvious why that works (and I don't mean it's down to the marigolds focussing the positive energies of the planets onto the carrots).

cleo5 wrote:As long as those folk are doing no harm then surely that's all that matters?

They are doing a great deal of harm - and not just to themselves. I won't repeat the points I made earlier in this thread, but if you want, you can go back and read them (my reply to "buffy the vampire slayer" on p3 of this thread).

cleo5 wrote:There is room for diverse thought and beliefs in the power of nature.

Within rational limits. What's your stance on aural reading, tree spirits, astrology, ley lines, morphic resonance and Biodynamic gnomes?

By the way, do you know Moonbeam or Holst2?
Prejudice, not being founded on reason, cannot be removed by argument. Samuel Johnson.
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Re: Gardening according to the goddess of fertility & abunda

Postby cleo5 » Mon Feb 08, 2016 11:39 pm

Hi thin and crispy,
No of course I wouldn't be offended by any criticism.
Always ready to take other folk's ideas on board.
Acqupuncture works . Homeopathy works( for some, including animals and children who have no preconceived bias,). It works for our Brenda who at almost 90 has all her physical and mental abilities so surely it cannot be mumbo jumbo. Her son talks to plants. So do many ordinary folk.

No magic in companion planting unless your knowledge of basic pharmacology is limited.
The moon. She influences the tides and much more. How can we know she does not influence planting time.
How do you know she has no influence on crop growth?
You ask for reports of trials etc. I would need to retrieve all my copies of Nature which are long gone for recycling or plod theough the internet to pinpoint them. I don't have time enough left to do that. The mastitis testing was backed up by several trials (google it)
I guess Hydroponics was regarded with suspicion at first.
And yes the theory you give re moon and planting is the one I was referring to. I don't know what Biodynamics expert are all saying as not read recent theories.
All I am saying is each to his own!

Yes! some of my post was said tongue in cheek!
My son spent an hour on the phone explaining to me why all time is now. It seemed to make sense.
IF this odd group of folk who are causing you bother are not criminals and are not ruining the lives of others, if they will eventually leave the land the richer for their ministrations then let them have their beliefs even if such folk seem odd to us.

ps. Planting calender is according to whether the soil is at the right temp. for germination and growth and whether the rain comes at the riight time etc etc.
Biodynamics- googled and bells rang. Some of it makes sense.
Rudolf Steiner's ideas on education I admired .



Hippies/ Flower power people/New Age/ Pagans are not my cup of tea. Anything extremist is worrying .
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Re: Gardening according to the goddess of fertility & abunda

Postby thin and crispy » Tue Feb 09, 2016 4:23 pm

I'm glad you're not offended Cleo - it's mainly meant as a bit of fun, although it does have its serious side as well. I've met several local New Agers, as well as a couple online, and they all seem to despise non-Steinerists with a fanatical degree of enthusiasm - e.g. my neighbour's criminal antics are documented on the Neighbours from Hell web site. I'm glad you didn't tear into my posts with the same venom as, for example, Holst2; and I don't suppose either of us will ever be persuaded by the other's point of view, so perhaps we should just agree to disagree.

As you brought it up, I would like to make a couple of serious points with regard to Steiner's ideas on education, however.

Firstly, I find it troubling that, in his schools, children are not even mildly disciplined for doing wrong until the age of seven. Kids need a certain level of moral guidance from a very young age. I know from personal experience that withholding it doesn't work, because my neighbour's (and other local) children were educated in that way and I have suffered the consequences (damage to my house, noise nuisance, verbal abuse) for years.

I am even more concerned that the Steiner Waldorf chain of private schools might be teaching elements of Steinerian evolution. It is unquestionably wrong from a scientific point of view (in fact there's no science in it), but it is also blatantly racist. It says that dark skinned people are cast offs on the evolutionary tree (one step above apes), and claims that blonde-haired blue-eyed "races" are superior. Steiner's theory regards the "Arian races" as the pinnacle of evolution - an idea that was barbarically explored in the 1930s and 1940s. I do hope that side of his "philosophy" is not being taught in Steiner-Waldorf schools - either in the UK or elsewhere across Europe.
Prejudice, not being founded on reason, cannot be removed by argument. Samuel Johnson.
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Re: Gardening according to the goddess of fertility & abunda

Postby thin and crispy » Tue Feb 09, 2016 9:07 pm

Just a brief follow-on from my last post for anyone who might be interested in Steiner education. Here's a story on Steiner Waldorf schools from the BBC news web site: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-28646118, (although if you're considering sending your kids there, you are probably already past the point of no return).
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Re: Gardening according to the goddess of fertility & abunda

Postby cleo5 » Tue Feb 09, 2016 9:29 pm

I agree with a lot of what you say.
Am not a scientist and had to struggle with it
I did not know of the deeper "indoctrination" behind Steiner schools.
It seems most children now, except a certain minority, are undisciplined often due to family breakdown.
As for schools - enough said!
Farming and gardening is best where it can be done without the use of pesticides if possible, and the land always left in good heart which is what I thought new Age people believed in.

Yes! Can see the lighter, tongue in cheek side of this thread but in general I am sadly lacking in the sense of humour dept. :D
We are all to some extent prejudiced and anyone different seems to arouse fear in us.
I saw the emergence of the "flower power people" and thought they were nuts but most grew up to be sensible and valuable members of society.
New Agers en masse I would not want living near me.
Thanks anyway- found this all very interesting .
Anyone believe in fairies?
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Re: Gardening according to the goddess of fertility & abunda

Postby Uriah Heap » Wed Feb 17, 2016 11:03 pm

thin and crispy wrote:Hello Uriah. That sounds like a great gift. But please don't fear the gnomes. They are already there in your garden; you just won't be able to see them until you embrace the New Age lifestyle and let the sunlight enter your inner void. That's exactly what I did in 2010 after I met my life-partner, Jocasta, and moved into the Yurt we built on our council allotment in Solihull.

Because of that big change in my life, I am now able to offer you a very different perspective on Biodynamics and Anthroposophy. I'm sorry that it won't be amusing like my previous contributions, but six years on a strict vegetarian diet of lentils, organic chick peas and high-fibre brown rice does tend to curb one's sense the humour: most of the time, I'm frightened to laugh. Nevertheless, if you want to hear about Biodynamic compost I'm ready and willing to spread the word: I have learnt a great deal about New Age fertilizer over the last few years and I'm very happy to share my expertise with everyone here. I fact, I'm more than happy ... which might have something to do with those tasty little mushrooms growing under the hedge ... but I digress.

Firstly - and I hope you don't mind me correcting one mistake, Uriah - the Biodynamic preparations 500 to 507 are not, in fact, compost. The "preps", as we call them, are actually mystical tinctures, elixirs and powders that one can either add to the compost heap (preps 502-507) or simply spray around one's garden (preps 500 and 501). It is difficult to explain to the uninitiated how the Biodynamic preparations work, but in essence they promote a kind of agricultural karma and "oneness" in the garden, which helps all the local nature spirits to feel calm, relaxed and contented around your vegetables.

As I've mentioned before, the preps are made from a variety of spiritual nutrients, like amethyst crystals, deer bladders and horse skulls (available from all good New Age stockists). Some of these ingredients are extremely precious, and are reserved only for "special" customers. You might qualify as "special" if you're willing to spend a few hundred quid on Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh (the "Three Kings Preparation") to spray on your cabbages. (When visiting your local Biodynamic suppliers, please remember to wear a bright-orange tie-dyed kaftan and a fluorescent headband, as they really do like to see you coming.) Don't worry if you can't afford the Three Kings Preparation: you can always buy one of the cheaper instant Biodynamic preps instead. Good ones for beginners include Preparation 501 (powdered mystical quartz crystal) and Preparation 500 (powdered mystical cow sh1t), which you can use, along with a tab or two of LSD, to enrich your gardening experience.

It goes without saying, however, that all the Biodynamic preparations in the world would be totally useless without that mainstay of the Steinerist garden: good old-fashioned compost. The Biodynamic variety comes in two very special forms: Esoteric and Physical.

The "esoteric" component is that ethereal dimension of compost which springs magically into existence when you practice Biodynamic rituals. It's a transient entity that exists only in your mind - a sort of "mental compost" or "well-rotted thought". But, of course, that's only half the story; and we really mustn't forget compost's physical dimension. It is, after all, the core constituent of Steinerist philosophy. The sacred texts teach us that the compost heap must be venerated as a towering and potent monument to Gaia. It is written that the compost bin will resonate with the cosmic ether and act as the focal point for all of the garden's life forces, drawing in positive energies from the planets, the ley lines, and nearby wind chimes.

So how do you go about building such a magical and awe-inspiring creation? Well, you must first ensure that your compost is in harmony with Mother Earth (no surprise there). Unity with the soul of our planet is best achieved by building adequate drainage into the base of the heap whilst, of course, wearing a white robe and a pair of stag's antlers.

The ancient druidic priests appeased the driads (tree-dwelling nature spirits) by tearing strips of cloth from their cloaks and tying them to the branches of sacred trees. You can make similar offerings to your garden's elemental beings by hanging items of old clothing around the compost bin. However, you do have to be careful what clothes you use. The wife tells me that my socks create an aura that sours compost and attracts evil spirits. Apparently, the good nature spirits prefer other kinds of underwear; and they often take those garments away with them in the night. Our neighbour, Orlando, who is an expert on this sort of thing, recently advised Mrs T&C that the elemental gnomes have a particular fondness for lingerie - anything see-through or skimpy, apparently - just as long as it's unwashed. The sweatier the better, he said. I told her that it all seems a little sordid and perverted, but my wife has very liberal attitudes towards these things. And she's very single minded. "If the gnomes want well-worn lingerie" she says "then I insist they will have it!" Trouble is, it chafes a lot more than the boxers and string vest I'm used to.

Oh dear; sorry! I was supposed to be talking about compost, but I've gone off at a tangent again. (I go off at a tangent quite a lot since I've been wearing this tight lingerie.)

Anyway, back on topic. When you've finished building your compost heap, you should ritually dedicate it to the Goddess of Fertility and Abundance. There are various ways you can do this - e.g. using a cow's horn or a deer bladder filled with yarrow - but the most popular technique involves crystals, nudity and stuffing comfrey into a goat's rectum. I know you'll all be keen to give it a try, but please wait until late spring before attempting this ritual. Temperatures below 15C are not really amenable to nudity. Indeed, they often induce muscular spasms; and you can take it from me: you'll get a pretty frosty reception when you turn up at the vet's wearing nothing but a goat bracelet.

Whatever dedication ritual you use, your compost heap should have a definite ethereal presence - and a regular soaking with urine will certainly help in that regard. Flowing within the urine are the disembodied spirits of all the grains of brown rice, lentils and organic quinoa that have given their lives to sustain you. You should bear in mind that it can be difficult to amass sufficient urine unless, of course, you're lucky enough to live in a commune. Clearly, there's no reason why you shouldn't ask a neighbour to donate a couple of pints occasionally, but if my experience is anything to go by, she'll probably be reluctant - even if you do assure her you'll rinse the bottles before giving them back to the milkman.

If, despite your best efforts, urine turns out to be in short supply, you should keep the compost moist with the purest water you can find. Natural spring water is always the best (unless the spring is located near a mobile phone mast of course).

Failing that you should take the water from a Flow Form. This is a special waterfall consisting of seven buttock-shaped dishes arranged in a step-like cascade. For each dish, imagine the exquisitely-sculpted form that would result if Sir Eric Pickles removed his trousers and sat in wet concrete - the dish's outflow spout being the depression at the front left by Sir Eric's pickles.

But you don't have to use concrete (or invite Sir Eric round). You can buy a ready-made fibreglass Flow Form instead. They come flat-packed, so you can fit one into the back of a VW camper no trouble. When you get it home, just follow the assembly instructions, fill the tank with water, sacrifice your first born, and voilà: an utterly enchanting Waterfall of the Spirit. You can then sit back and relax to the sound of a gently babbling rivulet flowing, like the River of Time, through the Seven Ages of Man into the Pool of Celestial Tranquillity, whence it is impelled to the Place of Cosmic Rebirth by the Water Pump of Mystic Eternity. During the liquid's long and arduous journey, the seven bi-lobal bum dishes not only imbue it with life-giving energies, they also induce an effervescent swirling which gives the water a thorough polish - honest, you can see your face in it. Such clarity and purity of being is, of course, ideal for spraying onto your compost.

But please, please, please, never, ever be tempted to moisten your heap with tap water! This is a completely artificial type of water. Worse still, it has never flowed along natural underground gradients, so it is entirely "directionless". In scientific terms we would call it scalar water rather than the more natural vector water. Sprinkling tap water onto your heap will result in directionless compost, and it should go without saying that that's a recipe for total hydrotropic mayhem. In the absence of any directional cues, plants simply refuse to grow the right way up (it's true: I read it in New Scientist). And, if your plants do decide to grow backwards into the soil, no amount of coaxing, explanation or rational discussion will ever get them to see sense.

Unfortunately, unless you watch over your heap 24/7, there's a risk it will become contaminated with directionless tap water (some anti-Steinerist neighbours can be cruel and vicious). For this reason, you must always check the directionality of your compost before applying it to the soil. The best way is to use a technique called Pendular Divination. For this, you'll need a porcelain crucible and a crystal pendulum, which most of you will already have lying around in your potions cupboard. But not to worry if you don't have a crucible: just put a sample of your compost into another kind of porcelain receptacle instead - I use a tea cup or a toilet bowl. And if you're a crystal short of a pendulum simply substitute something of a similar conical shape, such as a parsnip. Just point your parsnip at the porcelain and see which way it swings. If it swings to the south, your compost has a downward direction so you'll need to start digging it into the highest part of your garden first, and then gradually work your way downhill. Conversely, if your parsnip swings to the north, uphill gardening will suit you better. Don't worry if your parsnip swings both ways: it's perfectly acceptable nowadays and probably means you're a very creative person.

Many Biodynamic practitioners like to erect a totem pole to watch over their compost heap. You can carve this yourself out of an old telegraph pole. Along with the faces of several local nature spirits, my totem pole has hand-carved representations of Dave Angel, Neil from "The Young Ones", Swampy the Eco-Warrior and Natalie Bennett. After I'd erected my pole and sat down to have a well-earned cup of herbal tea, I watched in amazement as the morphic fields emanating from my carvings caused yet another sculptural likeness - this time of Rupert Sheldrake's talking arse - to slowly materialise at the top of the pole.

If you decide to carve your own totem pole, it should be erected on the confluence of at least five ley lines (six is better). The compost bin should then be placed at the base of the pole; and around it you should plant the seven sacred Biodynamic herbs. Ideally, your entire compost mead should be established in the shade of a mature oak. The wood of this great and wondrous tree is the eighth sacred Biodynamic ingredient. Indeed, the mighty oak captures the existential character of the New Age community: an imperious presence, an unbending disposition, and a proliferation of dense little nuts. It is also a convenient yardstick for the divination of one's cosmo-spiritual intelligence, as the trunk may be readily sawn into two or more short planks.

Remember, however, that "all wood is murder" (unless it's your neighbour's conifer, in which case it's justifiable homicide), so if you do decide to butcher your oak tree you must first obtain the tree spirit's consent. The most respectful way to do this is to invite a few friends round to participate in a Vigil for the Driad. For obvious reasons, I can't divulge the ritual's dark incantations on an open forum like this, but you can read all about them in Steiner's "Ye Olde Worlde Booke of Biodynamicke Spelles". However, I can say that the Vigil is essentially a tree-embracing ritual in which you all paint yourselves with blue woad (Dulux 'Misty Lake' Matt Emulsion works almost as well), and then dance naked around a bonfire before communing with the newly-materialised tree spirit over a chalice of fresh virgin's blood. Obviously though, in this day and age, drinking virgin's blood is a big "no-no" - since Tony Blair relaxed the licensing laws you just can't find one anywhere - so we have to make do with a nice warm mug of Cup-A-Soup instead (mushroom flavour, obviously).

But, in any case, it is greatly preferable to leave your trees intact if you can. Remember: trees are people too; and planting more trees is a great way to make new friends. Indeed, planting a mature oak near your compost bin is undoubtedly the best way to become one with the Cosmic Organism. But don't worry if you've already blown your gardening budget on dream catchers, LSD and joss sticks. Laying a bag of oak chippings will be almost as spiritually fulfilling, and anyway you won't be able to take your eyes off those little green faeries dancing with that headless gnome. It's just magical... can you see all the colours man...


DISCLAIMER
The postings in this thread, and the portrayals of individuals, institutions, businesses and products contained therein, are presented for comedic purposes only. Whilst the themes referenced are based upon material from New Age sources, all representations, descriptions and comments pertaining to such - whether stated expressly or implied by association or phrasing - are solely expressions of my personal opinions and are not intended, or claimed, to be factual statements. Some names and characters are fictitious: any similarity to real persons, whether living, dead, or stoned off their tits, is entirely coincidental.

Well I thought it was hillarious. Where do you get all that stuff from?
Ill never be able to look a pickled onion in the face agian. :lol:
Uriah Heap
 
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Re: Gardening according to the goddess of fertility & abunda

Postby thin and crispy » Fri Feb 19, 2016 1:37 am

Thanks Uriah. I've actually been trawling the web for information. But, unfortunately, you can't always believe what you read on the internet and, as I have already been chastised for getting my "facts" wrong, I've also consulted a number of more authoratitive New Age texts as well. You might remember one of them - a very informative treatise on New Age philosophy - which I mentioned in an earlier post:

"Yogic Flying - The most fun you can have with your legs crossed",
by Bruce D. Balzac (a.k.a. 'Thin and Crispy' - I write under a pen-name).

I have since come across several other indispensable works on Steinerist and New Age thinking, most of which cover Biodynamics to some degree. Mr Steiner himself was of germanic origin, and, as that part of the world remains the spiritual homeland of anthroposophical ponderings, many of the following texts are also by German authors. Most titles are self-explanatory, but I have annotated those volumes which I have found to be of cosmic profundity:

"Pesticide-Free, Biodynamic Gardening",
by Margot Munchengrubb and Ivetta Verm.

"Homeopathy IS real. It is. It is. It is! ",
by Nat Spee.
This book contains 1024 completely blank pages, each one skilfully and lovingly crafted by this world-renowned charlatan (I mean author :? ). Printed entirely on recycled toilet paper, the special paperback edition costs just £180 and comes complete with a free length of old rope.

"A Hundred and One Amazing Tricks with your Wand of Light",
by Willy P. Lingham.
Delight your friends and shock your family with these highly polished tips.

"Anthroposophy for Dummies - An advanced reference",
by Allotta Kristel-Balls.

"Mulch Ado About Nothing - Biodynamic composting with starlight, moonbeams and fairy dust",
by Phil der Hornmitderbullenschitt.
Be prepared for a stirring tale of ley lines, levitation and Levington. The perfect gift for anyone who is a little non compost mentis.

"Dreams in the Wind - Communing with the Soniferous Ether through yogic meditation",
by Ben D Guffentrump and Gustaf von Krappenschaft.
Perfect for lentil-munchers everywhere. Just adopt the Lotus Position, open your third eye and levitate to your heart's content.
Prejudice, not being founded on reason, cannot be removed by argument. Samuel Johnson.
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thin and crispy
 
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Re: Gardening according to the goddess of fertility & abunda

Postby Uriah Heap » Sun Jun 12, 2016 4:55 pm

Like it. Had to google lingam before i understood that one :lol:
Uriah Heap
 
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