Gardening according to the goddess of fertility & abunda

For anyone interested in gardening & a bit of light relief from the problems of this world
Post Reply
User avatar
thin and crispy
Posts: 887
Joined: Tue May 08, 2007 8:57 pm

Re: Gardening according to the goddess of fertility & abunda

Post by thin and crispy » Sat Oct 20, 2018 3:41 pm

Glad you liked it John. You're right, the NHS did provide homeopathic treatment at one time. What next I wonder; dance classes on prescription? https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-45861468

Just in case there are some readers who haven't heard of homeopathy, it's a New Age practice that increases the potency of medicine by repeatedly diluting it in water. The practitioner adds one drop of the (usually herbal) medicine to seven gills of pure water, and 'energises' the mixture by giving it a quick shake. Then, a single drop of that diluted mixture is added to another seven gills of water and energised in the same way. This dilution procedure is repeated either 12 or 20 times until, statistically speaking, there is not even one molecule of the original medicine left. The final ultra-diluted "mixture" is administered to the patient in the belief that the water contains the spiritual (and thus more powerful) imprint of the original medicine. Sounds logical enough to me.

Indeed, I'm thoroughly convinced by homeopathy, and I'd certainly recommend Nat's book to everyone here. I learnt a great deal from it - and I'm sure you will too. Not only does it include homeopathic remedies for "feeling a bit down" and "a slight twinge in your little finger", you'll also learn how to save money AND get drunk on homeopathic whiskey. Even better than that: why not avoid fuel duty, reduce your carbon footprint, and solve the global energy crisis with homeopathic petrol? The possibilities are so mind blowing that you'll need to sit down and have a glass of homeopathic water - it's a bit like normal water but much more dilute and therefore much better for you.

Indeed, just half a molecule of it will leave you desperate for a pee. But whatever you do, don't do it in a reservoir or everybody in the country will be drinking homeopathic widdle. Mind you, Sarah Miles used to swear by the "Golden Tonic Water", so you'd probably be doing us all a favour. Come to think of it, all the sewers run into the water system at one point or another so the whole of humanity must have been drinking homeopathic piddle for eons. The idiots! They thought it was just water! That's obviously the origin of the myth that drinking water is good for you. Drinking homeopathic piddle is good for you! It's all starting to make sense now. Scientists wouldn't think of it that way, they're too closed minded.

Just thought! If all the water in the world is really homeopathic wee wee, we must have been diluting our homeopathic remedies with homeopathic wee wee, not with water. Wow! That must be why all the remedies work. Pee is the key! Too mindblowing, dude. I think I'll just put my dick in my mouth and become self sufficient. It's the ultimate in recycling, and definitely the best way to go green.

By the way, does anyone know a homeopathic cure for teeth-marks in my love-truncheon?
Prejudice, not being founded on reason, cannot be removed by argument. Samuel Johnson.

Fairclough
Posts: 79
Joined: Fri Jul 08, 2011 9:34 pm
Number of Posts per Page: 15
Number of topics per page: 100

Re: Gardening according to the goddess of fertility & abunda

Post by Fairclough » Tue Apr 16, 2019 11:15 am

You could try Savlon but I don't think it tastes too good. :wink:

User avatar
thin and crispy
Posts: 887
Joined: Tue May 08, 2007 8:57 pm

Re: Gardening according to the goddess of fertility & abunda

Post by thin and crispy » Thu May 09, 2019 1:34 am

Fairclough wrote:
Tue Apr 16, 2019 11:15 am
You could try Savlon but I don't think it tastes too good. :wink:
Someone suggested I use Manuka Honey. Not only does it taste delicious, this natural remedy has been used for centuries to promote healing. The wife thinks it is very moreish ... :shock:
Prejudice, not being founded on reason, cannot be removed by argument. Samuel Johnson.

User avatar
thin and crispy
Posts: 887
Joined: Tue May 08, 2007 8:57 pm

Back-garden maggot breeding

Post by thin and crispy » Fri May 10, 2019 2:06 pm

The self-sufficient New Age numpty next door is now building a maggot farm in his back garden :roll:.

I suppose it's another of his otherworldly gardening obsessions: the maggot condo is located on what must be the spiritual hub of his garden, right next to his flow-form and his pentagram of compost bins. He's had the area marked out for some time with a carved wooden talisman and several elf effigies - oh and a few old socks draped in the trees. I'm not sure, however, what he intends to do with the maggots. He uses his garden for growing his own biodynamic veg, biodynamic fruit, biodynamic honey etc. But, biodynamic maggots? Surely he wouldn't, would he? Not for breakfast?

Well, he's at the "special forces" end of the eco-warrior spectrum, so yes he probably would.

I've been reading up about eating maggots and it seems that they could actually provide mankind with a plentiful, and environmentally friendly, supply of protein. Mmmm! The following article, which I found online, discusses some research by a group of Australian scientists.

Humans Will Eat Maggots

Apparently, they had originally considered the feasibility of eating insects fed on "up-cycled sewage" but, as marketing might have been a problem ("not just freeze-dried, sewage-fed cockroaches, but Marks and Spencer freeze-dried, sewage-fed cockroaches...") they've now suggested maggots as a more palatable alternative.

Thinking about it, conventional livestock farming consumes a great deal of the Earth's precious resources, and is a major contributor to global warming, so maybe maggots are the way to go. Farming them might even become a highly profitable business - if only people could be convinced that maggots taste very much like chicken. In fact, one traditional variety of Italian sheep's cheese (Casu Marzu), which contains tiny, live maggots of piophila casei, is considered a delicacy and a powerful aphrodisiac. (That might be why, on a cold winter's day, you'll often find rows of hardy anglers sitting on the riverbank orally invigorating their maggots.)

There are actually very many species of maggot, each with its own distinctive flavour and bouquet. If their consumption could be promoted as an aspirational thing, trendy artisan "maggotisseries" would soon spring up in every fashionable neighbourhood. (Think oak barrels full of exotic, brightly coloured maggots, and bearded hipster "maggotieres" - probably named Justin and Orlando - expertly blending platystoma seminationis with sarcophaga carnaria to achieve the perfect balance of aroma, texture, and piquancy.)

As appealing as this sounds, we mustn't lose sight of the reason why we should all become maggotarians. The global population is expected to rise to more than ten billion by the end of this century, and as the number of humans overtakes our capacity to produce food, there is a real threat of mass starvation as well as irreversible harm to planetary ecosystems. The obvious solution would be to limit human procreation, but that would be unpopular with governments world-wide: fewer workers means lower GDP; and lower GDP means reduced power and wealth for our glorious leaders. It would probably also be unpopular with the masses, most of whom think that breeding is their inalienable right, regardless of whether they (or the planet) can support their offspring.

The environmental situation is fast becoming critical - you must have heard Extinction Rebellion's high-flying spokesman Emma Thompson on the TV last week. It won't be long before protesters like that force the government to pretend they are taking action; and a programme of breeding maggots on household food waste would be the obvious first step.

With a little bit of subtle media promotion, it might just take off. The first adopters would undoubtedly be self-sufficient hippy types, like my neighbour, feeding their maggots on dead rats and the output from their composting toilet; but the government could easily turn maggot breeding into a nationwide endeavour. Just look at how successful their plastic-recycling schemes have been.

There is a precedent for this type of programme, of course: the WWII "Dig for Victory" campaign. The public have always been ready to pull together during times of national emergency. The government would just need to convince the public that an emergency exists (recruiting a child to do it during the school holidays might work); and, if everyone sets aside a little garden space for maggot breeding, it would all be very cheap to implement. The main cost would be in handing out plastic maggot-breeding bins to every household, just like most LAs have done with green-waste bins. Despite having to make weekly collections, the scheme would be popular with Local Authorities because selling the maggots back into the food chain would help to pay for pot-hole repairs and other little luxuries (like the Mayor's fact-finding trip to the south of France to see how they fill pot-holes over there). Food processors and manufacturers would be eager buyers since, weight-for-weight, maggots would be vastly cheaper than even the most brutally-raised chicken. Obviously, some householders would baulk at the idea of a bin-full of maggots next to their barbecue (just like they complained about 5p supermarket bags), but media Propaganda, Peer pressure, and Personal gullibility would eventually overcome their resistance. (Remember what the three Ps have already done for the uptake of diesel cars, smart-meters and iKettles!)

But as a global effort, I'd foresee bigger problems than just convincing the public. For example, how would you keep the maggot population going when, in about 20 to 30 years time, all the rotten meat it feeds on has run out? If that becomes a pressing issue in the UK, it could, no doubt, be solved by extending the scope of the National Organ Donation scheme - obviously with an opt-out for those social pariahs who still insist upon a traditional cremation or burial.

While all this is just a maggot's munch away from "Soylent Green", it needn't be as bad as we might imagine. Incentives could be put in place whereby whole-carcass donators (like Edward G Robinson in the film) could view a short, calming video of a (by-now extinct) wild deer - or, more likely, a plateful of venison - before their final dive into the maggot pit.

And the NHS would vaccinate everybody at birth against nasty maggot-borne diseases (important whenever there is a major re-structuring of the food chain - I mean, who saw BSE coming?). Obviously, vaccination would be compulsory, as we'd only achieve "herd immunity" (what an apt term) with an uptake of at least 98%.

All this might seem like a high price to pay for exponential human breeding, but if everyone were to happily embrace this brave new maggo-centric utopia, we would surely be rewarded with an amazing array of mouth-watering maggotty produce. Scientists have already created maggot sausages (see the photo in the linked article - although I'm not certain whether that's a picture of the sausages or the upcycled sewage). And, with a bit of imagination, there's no reason why we couldn't eventually buy products like southern-fried maggot burgers; gruyere and maggot escalopes; hoi-sin maggot pancakes; and sweet-potato, quinoa and maggot roasts. I'm sure Heston Blumenthal could come up with something even better. But it doesn't have to be all "middle-class and Waitrose". After a long day toiling at Aldi's local Maggot-Pulping Station, the average working man would be easily satiated with a microwaveable maggoroni cheese and a mug of hot tea (two spoonsful of caster sugar for me please). And, for those who can't be bothered to cook, there's always the fast-food option from KFM, or you could just pop into MacDonalds for a Big Mag. "Certainly sir, do you want Flies with that?"


~ ~ ~ "You may say I'm a dreamer. But I'm not the only one..." ~ ~ ~

.
Prejudice, not being founded on reason, cannot be removed by argument. Samuel Johnson.

Fairclough
Posts: 79
Joined: Fri Jul 08, 2011 9:34 pm
Number of Posts per Page: 15
Number of topics per page: 100

Re: Gardening according to the goddess of fertility & abunda

Post by Fairclough » Thu May 23, 2019 11:58 pm

I read this last week and come back to it today because it really makes you think. I know it is meant to be whimsical but theres satire at almost every turn. Liked the ref to Soylent Green movie - chilled me to the bone when I saw it in the 70's.

Post Reply