Thanks for that Treeman. I would like to have been able to post something lighthearted again, but I'm afraid I have to bring the tone down to a more serious level (sorry Uriah Heap).
I really was quite stung by Moonbeam's criticisms; and over the last few days I have been feeling rather unsettled by the whole thing.
I couldn't help wondering whether I was wrong to be so dismissive of Biodynamics. A great many people believe in it; and practitioners take it all very seriously of course. At the back of my mind I've had this niggling thought that there might just be something in those ancient beliefs after all - even in the ones invented during the 1980s.
I've had several sleepless nights wrestling with Moonbeam's logic. She was adamant that the spiritual subtleties of Biodynamics were beyond my comprehension. What if she was right? I don't have any scientific evidence to prove that she's wrong. Nobody can actually disprove the existence of the Soniferous Ether or Nature Spirits.
So how could I, as a rational individual, discount the possibility of ten-foot tall, headless, genital-less gnomes in suits of shining armour? As a point of logic, I have to accept the possibility
at least. Of course, intuition tells me it's implausible: how would the gnome keep his helmet on? But is that single incongruity a good enough reason to doubt the whole of Biodynamics? A philosophical enigma indeed!
It was a quandary that troubled me for many days. Then last night the Nature Spirits, the faeries, came to me in my dreams. It was a shocking revelation. All of the elemental forces were made manifest before my eyes. The endless cycle of death, decay and rebirth was revealed to me in all its cruel and wondrous glory. Everything I have known; everything I have understood before was overturned in that one diabolical visitation. And most horrifying of all, they didn't leave me a sixpence like last time.
The next moment: I was awake. And in a blinding flash, I knew! I knew the answer to my dilemma: It's some sort of mystical energy stuff that does it! Not only does it keep the gnome's helmet on, it also stops his codpiece dropping off and breaking his toes.
It must be, like, the same kind of force type thing that's responsible for crystal healing, and auras, and homeopathy, and levitation, and palm reading, and fermenting manure, and for anything else I can't explain. Why didn't I think of it before? The solution is elegant in its simplicity.
Now I realise that, for all these years as a rationalist, I have been talking out of my enigmatic void: there really is a spiritual objective reality that informs our meagre physical world; Anthroposophy isn't bo***cks after all.
I am now a true believer. I now aspire to be intellectually challenged; and my quest is to seek the one true knowledge so that I too can be worthy of stirring the compost.
In my pursuit of cosmic awareness, I have consulted the Akasha; I have consulted the Oracle; I have consulted the Google. But many questions remain. Four-score of my humblest queries are inscribed below, in the hope that some wise, benevolent soul will forgive my foolish denial and show me the path to true enlightenment:
What are the Nature Spirits?
Where do they come from?
How old are they?
When is the best time to see them?
What if I don't like magic mushrooms?
Do tree spirits actually live inside the trees?
Do all trees have a tree spirit?
What about large shrubs, and woody perennials?
How tall is the spirit of a bonsai tree?
Why can't you make Preparation 500 with a bull's horn?
What makes the manure ferment?
Has anyone ever eaten fermented manure - just to get high?
Is it true that all rocks are conscious?
It is true that all plants are conscious?
What's the most humane way of slaughtering parsley?
Was Preparation 500 really invented at the end of the Bronze Age?
Why does the horn have to be buried six feet deep?
Why it is wrong to bury it near a mobile phone mast?
Is it okay if my spade is made of that new fangled iron stuff?
What are the mystical energies that emanate from the stars?
What are the mystical energies that emanate from the water?
What are the mystical energies that emanate from the soil?
What are the mystical energies that emanate from the manure?
What are the mystical energies that emanate from the cow horn?
What are the mystical energies that emanate from the planets?
What are the mystical energies that emanate from the _________? (insert noun of choice)
How does the horn focus all these mystical energies on the manure?
How does the Moon focus these energies on the Earth?
Does the Moon rule the Heavens?
Are the Stars out Tonight?
What exactly is the Age of Aquarius?
What's the significance of the constellations?
Are there rings around Uranus?
Has Russell Grant verified all this?
Is an Aura like the glow you used to see on the Redibrek adverts?
What generates a person's Aura?
Are there any mystical energies involved?
That's odd, are you sure?
Is it true that a warm glow round your chakras signifies peace and harmony?
And can digestive problems really cause light to shine out of your solar plexus?
My Aura is black. Inky, deathly black; like a bottomless pit sinking deep into the dank, dark void of my soul ... Should I worry?
Does homeopathy offer real medical benefits?
Surely it's just the "placebo effect"?
How can it work when the active ingredient is spread thinner than a f@rt in a wind-tunnel?
If I don't believe in it, am I homeophobic?
Does the Biodynamic Society oversee all biodynamic enterprises?
Are all biodynamic vegetables stamped with the official Demeter symbol?
Do biodynamic practitioners have to be certified?
Can't sane people have a stir as well?
Is the Three Kings Preparation really made from Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh?
Why spray such costly and exotic treasures over your vegetable patch?
Where can I buy the ingredients?
Oh that's handy! How much do you charge?
What does a spirit guide do?
Can I have a spirit guide?
Is Napoleon fully booked?
Can I choose that great explorer of unconsciousness, Captain Morgan Hennessy Smirnoff?
What do you mean when you say the Earth breathes in?
Does breathing out cause a ridge of high pressure?
Did a hiccup cause the 1987 hurricane?
Wouldn't it be a good idea to invest in a planet-sized bottle of Windeeze - just in case?
Are Elementals the same as Nature Spirits?
What about Gnomes, Pixies, Elves, Cornish Piskeys, Knockers, Goblins, Far-Darrigs, Sprites, Clurichauns, Leprechauns, Spriggans, Smurfs and Bill Oddie?
Do you really dance naked around the compost heap?
Do you let it all hang out while doing other gardening jobs as well?
Does that nice Alan Titchmarsh ever do that?
Don't the neighbours complain?
Do you take any special precautions when trimming your hedge?
How do you dispose of the clippings from your privets?
Why are Biodynamic gnomes headless?
Why do Biodynamic gnomes have no genitals?
Will they ever go near a hedge trimmer again?
Isn't it a bit late to start wearing armour?
How does crystal healing work?
How big do the crystals have to be?
And you shove them up WHERE?
I've changed my mind: does anyone know a good dentist?