Feeling blue ... tell me your own best-ever joke, please

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paddy's mum
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Feeling blue ... tell me your own best-ever joke, please

Post by paddy's mum » Wed Apr 04, 2007 7:58 pm

The Police came today, looked at the mountain of evidence and then went to see NFH. They have told him very clearly not to harass us again but went on to tell us that we are doing the right thing in logging every little bit of information/photographs. They are as fed up with being called out as we are at having to call them to try to halt our neighbour's shenanigans. Hopefully, he'll go too far very soon and to quote the PC, "then we'll entertain him"!

All in all, I am still feeling a bit low so ... please brighten my evening and tell me your own funniest story or joke. (Must go to bed tonight smiling not crying). Thanks guys.

arborlad
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Post by arborlad » Wed Apr 04, 2007 9:14 pm

Did you hear about the insomniac-agnostic-dyslexic?

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He was awake all night , wondering if there was a dog

arborlad

smile..it confuses people

kandy
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Post by kandy » Wed Apr 04, 2007 9:42 pm


Conveyancer
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Post by Conveyancer » Wed Apr 04, 2007 10:59 pm

You may have heard this one, but I like it.

A frog went into a bank. He went and sat at the desk of Mr P. Whack.

"I'd like a loan," said the frog.

"How much?" said Mr Whack.

"A million would be nice," replied the frog.

"Name please."

"Kermit Jagger."

"Do you have any collateral?"

"Yes," said the frog and produced a small statuette of a pixie."

Mr Whack looked at it askance. "I'll have to consult the manager."

He went into the manager's office and showed him the application form. "What sort of collateral is that supposed to be? " he said, holding up the pixie.

The Manager replied...
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Wait for it
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You won't be able to stand it
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"It's a knick knack Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone."
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Treeman
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Post by Treeman » Thu Apr 05, 2007 12:37 am

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "Seniors" in Texas. Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife "notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over, "nope." Frustrated Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow".

Furious, Ray yells, "DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!!!!!

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat".
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Friendship between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. One confirmed it.


Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
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A guy goes to the local Council to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him about his previous employer. He replies: "The army. I served in the Royal Artillery for three years. Last duty in Iraq".

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment." The guy adds "And previously in Afghanistan" The interviewer says, "Great, even more points for that."

The interviewer then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer says, "OK I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00am to 4:00pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 to 4:00, why do you want me to come in at 10:00?"

"This is the local council you'll be working for," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we just sit around scratching our balls. Not much point in you coming in for that."
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Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There are no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the arse are interchangeable.
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A middle aged man bought a brand new Ferrari

He took off down the road, pushed it up to 100 mph and was enjoying
the acceleration.


"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.


But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car
behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no problem"
thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over
150 mph to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing", pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.

The Policeman pulled up and walked up on the driver's side. "Sir my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th.

If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never
heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The Policeman said, "Have a nice day, sir."
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Treeman.

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voiceofthemysteron
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Re: Feeling blue ... tell me your own best-ever joke, please

Post by voiceofthemysteron » Thu Apr 05, 2007 8:36 am

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast; bacon, eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Grapefruit with coffee to follow?

He declines. "It's this censored," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Perhaps a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?

He declines. "It's this censored," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

Come tea time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the cafe and buy him a burger. Maybe a steak and cheese pie? Pizza? Or a tasty stir fry that would only take a couple of minutes?

He declines. "It's this censored," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."




"Well," she says, "would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving!"
He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab

Treeman
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Post by Treeman » Thu Apr 05, 2007 9:45 am

On the theme of censored I believe you no longer need a prescription and can now download it from the internet.

Apparently it turns your 3.5” floppy into a hard drive.

Treeman

despair
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Post by despair » Thu Apr 05, 2007 10:02 am

problem is

that kind of hard drive wont be much use in your PC

paddy's mum
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Post by paddy's mum » Thu Apr 05, 2007 10:20 am

Thanks for the giggles! On the topic of censored, (although it's a visual but you can do it) here's my little contribution.

First, fold up both fists as though you were in the boxing ring, hands apart, getting ready to punch. Next, extend the index finger on one hand only, as though pointing at something. (Keep the other fist folded)
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Then, you say to the person listening - "I've got a censored tablet hidden in one of my hands - can you guess which hand it is"? boomboom!

paddy's mum
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Post by paddy's mum » Thu Apr 05, 2007 10:27 am

This one is a true story - my mother still has the little diary that she wrote it down in.

When my sisters were very young (and not yet been told about the birds and the bees) they were very attached to their dolls. At the time, they had just had their booster vaccinations, with the accompanying 'be brave, now' lecture from the doctor/nurse/parents that an injection gave them all kinds of good things ie immunity, germ killing etc.

They were playing mummies one day when youngest said, musingly "I wonder where babies come from"?

"Oh, that's easy" said the older girl. "All you need is a little prick"!

Out of the mouths of babes and innocents!

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voiceofthemysteron
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Post by voiceofthemysteron » Fri Apr 06, 2007 9:20 am

Treeman wrote:On the theme of censored
When i was in Hospital they gave me one Mogadon to help me sleep and one censored to stop me falling out of bed :lol:
He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab

arborlad
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Post by arborlad » Sun Apr 08, 2007 9:31 pm

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in...what happens to the other penny?

8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

20. Whatever happened to Preparations A through to G?


arborlad

smil..it confuses people

arborlad
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Living life backwards

Post by arborlad » Fri Apr 13, 2007 5:48 pm

Life would be much better lived backwards

You'd start out dead and get it out of the way.

Then, wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then
when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get
ready for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no
responsibilities, you become a baby, and then .........

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like
conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday
and then, you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.


arborlad

smile..it confuses people

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voiceofthemysteron
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Re: Living life backwards

Post by voiceofthemysteron » Fri Apr 13, 2007 8:46 pm

arborlad wrote:Life would be much better lived backwards
:lol: :lol: :lol:
He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab

arborlad
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Not quite a joke but.......................

Post by arborlad » Fri Apr 27, 2007 6:40 pm

Two questions.

Q1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion?



Read the next question before scrolling down to the answer of this one.



Q2: It is time to elect the world leader, and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:



Candidate A: Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.



Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whisky every evening.



Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital affairs.







Which of these candidates would be your choice?







Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.







































Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt



Candidate B is Winston Churchill



Candidate C is Adolf Hitler







If you said yes to the abortion question...



...you just killed Beethoven.


arborlad

smile..it confuses people

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