Feeling blue ... tell me your own best-ever joke, please

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WILL*REMAIN*STRONG
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Post by WILL*REMAIN*STRONG » Wed Mar 18, 2009 3:48 pm

appledore wrote:Another Irish saying -

Get down on your knees and thank God you're still on your feet.
:lol: Teehee who ever made that saying up must have been very short...

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Post by appledore » Wed Mar 18, 2009 3:59 pm

WILL*REMAIN*STRONG wrote: :lol: Teehee who ever made that saying up must have been very short...
Probably legless because they'd had too much to drink. :lol: :lol:
Keep calm and carry on.

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Post by WILL*REMAIN*STRONG » Wed Mar 18, 2009 4:05 pm

appledore wrote:Probably legless because they'd had too much to drink. :lol: :lol:
Or sat on his feet with a potato to his head. :lol: :P

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WILL*REMAIN*STRONG
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Post by WILL*REMAIN*STRONG » Mon Mar 23, 2009 12:20 pm

You might be a New Ager if…

• If you carry crystals on every part of your clothing - Including your belt buckle ! - You might be a New Ager.
• If you REFUSE to go to a job interview because the Feng Shui isn't done just right - You might just be a New Ager.
• If you feel that your illnesses are caused by the tanic possession, Pranic dissonance, or an imbalance between Yang & Yin - You might just be a New Ager.
• If you believe that God & Jesus pilot a UFO, (& / or Buddha , Krishna , Yahweh, etc.) You might, perchance, just be a New Ager.
• If you buy tickets to a performance by the Blue Man Group, in the hope of seeing a ritual honouring " The Green Man ", OR a preview of the Burning Man Festival - You might just be a New Ager.
• If you name your child Aquarius Moonwind Morningstar Jonathan Livingston Seagull - Perhaps you might be a New Ager. ( & God help you if you name a son that !! )
• If you have a PET named " Karma - Ra - Rainbow Bodhi " - You might very well be a New Ager.
• If you refer to said pet as your " Animal Companion " - You might JUST possibly be a New Ager.
• If you practice Tai Ch'i & drink Chai Tea, ( What the hell, I've done BOTH at different times. ) you could very well be a New Ager.
• If you belief that the characters of Chris the Disc Jockey & Ed, both from the " Northern Exposure " tv show emanate profound philosophical truths - One could likely refer to you as a New Ager, or someone with heavy New Age leanings !
• If you plan your vacations around the Summer & Winter Solstices - WAIT !! That might not be such an altogether bad thing - Or the birthdays / feast days of such luminaries as Buddha or Imhotep, ( Or Anck - Su Namun , Nefertiti , Hildegard of Bingen or Merlin )- you could very well be referred to as a New Ager.



How many Spiritualists does it take to change a light bulb?
None - they prefer to work in the dark!



All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my right hand."



How many contemplative monks does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the light bulb. One to not change the light bulb. One to neither change nor not change the light bulb.



Two men meet on the street.
One asks the other: "Hi, how are you?"
The other one replies: "I'm fine, thanks."
"And how's your son? Is he still unemployed?"
"Yes, he is. But he is meditating now."
"Meditating? What's that?"
"I don't know. But it's better than sitting around and doing nothing!"

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Post by Trog » Fri Mar 27, 2009 9:22 pm

A recent survey has revealed that six out of seven dwarves, are not Happy.
Cats they crap on your drive, on your lawn and in your flower beds, they are vermin.

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WILL*REMAIN*STRONG
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joke

Post by WILL*REMAIN*STRONG » Mon Mar 30, 2009 2:32 pm

Sophie’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to family planning the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll post you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Sophie’s flat the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up you stupid ugly fat smelly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "F**king Get him Spike!"

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WILL*REMAIN*STRONG
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Re: joke

Post by WILL*REMAIN*STRONG » Tue Apr 07, 2009 12:36 pm

Two muffins are in the oven.
One says to the other "God it's hot in here!"
The other one replies "Oh no... It's a talking muffin!"
:lol:

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North Korea

Post by arborlad » Wed Apr 08, 2009 6:24 pm

Surely the powers that be should be able to figure out if North Korea are trying to put a satellite into space or bomb the USA???




It's not rocket science....
arborlad

smile...it confuses people

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WILL*REMAIN*STRONG
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Naughty Rhymes

Post by WILL*REMAIN*STRONG » Fri Apr 24, 2009 12:22 pm

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her Thighs
Mary had another skirt
'twas split right up the front
...but she didn't wear that one very often

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the kings horses and all the kings men, said "s*d him, He's only
an egg

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie
kissed the girls and made them cry
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too...cause he was funny that way

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
to have some hanky panky
Silly Jill forgot her pill
And now there's little Franky

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone
When she bent over
Rover took over
And gave her a bone of his own

Jack and Jill went up the hill
to fetch a roll of cheese
jack came down with a smile on his face
and his trousers down to his knees

Jack and Jill went up the hill
to fetch a pail of water
Jill came down with 25 pounds
and it wasn’t for carrying water

Little miss moffit
sat on her toffit
eating sausage and chips
along came a spider and sat down beside her
and she bashed the poor blighter to bits

Mary had a little lamb
its fleece was green as grass
and every time it grew to long
she mowed it silly lass

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
Jack jumped over the candle stick
Dear oh dear he should have jumped higher
Oh good gracious, great balls of fire

Mary Mary quite contrary
How does your garden grow?
Listen you prat I live in a flat
So how the damn do I know

Mirror Mirror on the wall
Whos the fairest of them all?
The mirror laughed & then it spat
It sure ain’t You, You ugly prat

Mary had a little lamb
She tied it to a pylon
10,000 volts shot up its bum
And turned it into nylon

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Stoday
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Post by Stoday » Fri Apr 24, 2009 11:57 pm

Been sitting by the school gates with your ear trumpet WRS?

:lol:

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Post by hippygirl » Sat Apr 25, 2009 6:51 am

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's pen1s is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

Emulated
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Post by Emulated » Sat Apr 25, 2009 8:54 am

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
Less if you are a midget.

The average man's pen1s is three times the length of his thumb.
Is this information gained from your own data?

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
Only due to being easily excited.

Women blink twice as often as men.
Because they can't believe how many handsome men there are.

Women reading this will be finished now.
Rushed off to gaze in a mirror.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
My thumb measures 4 inches. 3 x 4 = 12. WOW!
:D

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Post by hippygirl » Sat Apr 25, 2009 11:10 am

:lol:

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Front page news.............

Post by arborlad » Wed Apr 29, 2009 5:30 pm

The Headline

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from
the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker
brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker,
says: “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I have ever
seen a man do in my whole life.”

The biker replies: “Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind
bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”

”Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you
know, and tomorrow's papers will have this on the first page. What
motorcycle do you ride?”

“A Harley Davidson”, was the biker’s response.

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed
bring news of his actions, and reads, on first page:

”Biker gang member assaults African immigrant and steals his lunch.”
arborlad

smile...it confuses people

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I called up the Swine Flu hotline yesterday but all i got was crackling :)
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