Feeling blue ... tell me your own best-ever joke, please

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Stoday
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Post by Stoday » Sat May 29, 2010 5:24 am

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

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WILL*REMAIN*STRONG
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Post by WILL*REMAIN*STRONG » Tue Jun 01, 2010 4:21 pm

Richard and Patrick were coming out of a pub in Wales one evening when Richard spotted a Sheep with its head stuck in the railings.
"Look at that Paddy, we cant miss a chance like that" says Richard

So Richard walks up behind the sheep, drops his trousers and does this business.

Richard then says "Okay Paddy its your turn next"

So Paddy drops his trousers and stuck his head in the railings.

arborlad
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Post by arborlad » Tue Jun 01, 2010 7:19 pm

Rambling Rose



A sailor takes a young lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show.

The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says 'I have had a lovely time.

You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?'

She agrees and a date is made.

The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face.

He is stunned. 'What was that for?' he asked.

She said 'I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said 'Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall'.
arborlad

smile...it confuses people

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WILL*REMAIN*STRONG
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Post by WILL*REMAIN*STRONG » Wed Jun 02, 2010 11:26 am

Rooney's been told he can play in the World Cup if he gets a Cortisone Injection. Beckham said: "If that fat boy is having a new car, then so am I!"


David Beckham is celebrating. "43 days, 43 days!" he shouts happily.
Posh asks him why he's celebrating and David replies, "Well Victoria, I've done this jigsaw in only 43 days."
"Is that good then David?" asks Posh. "You bet", laughs David, "It says 3 to 6 years on the box."

arborlad
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Post by arborlad » Sat Jun 05, 2010 6:04 pm

Farmers humour


Dennis Penberthy, an elderly Cornish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees enough and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Penberthy.
"Well," said Penberthy, "there's the farm hand. I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week, along with a bottle of gin every week, and, occasionally, gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's who I want to talk to," said the inspector, “the half-wit."


"That'll be me then," said Penberthy.
arborlad

smile...it confuses people

zaax
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Post by zaax » Wed Jun 09, 2010 12:23 am

£19M of aid for Gaza. Seems a bit excessive I'd of thought a couple of cases of Newcastle Broon and a box of pork scratchings would have been enough for the piss artist ex footballer?
I know nothing about the law.

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Post by arborlad » Sun Jun 20, 2010 10:49 am

How cold affects people

This is how cold affects people

50 Fahrenheit
People in the South of England turn on central heating
People in Edinburgh put out bedding plants.

40 Fahrenheit
Southerners shiver uncontrollably
Glaswegian sunbathe on the beach at Largs

35 Fahrenheit
Cars in the South refuse to start
People in Falkirk drive with their windows down

20 Fahrenheit
Southerners wear overcoats, gloves and wooly hats
Aberdonians wear T-shirts

15 Fahrenheit
Southerners begin to evacuate to the Continent
People from Dundee swim in the River Tay

0 Fahrenheit
Life in the South grinds to a halt
Inverness folk have their last BBQ before it gets cold

Minus 10 Fahrenheit
Life in the South ceases to exist
People in Dunfermline throw on a light jacket

Minus 80 Fahrenheit
Polar bears wonder if it is worth carrying on
Boy Scouts in Oban start wearing long trousers

Minus 100 Fahrenheit
Santa Claus abandons North Pole
Residents in Stirling put on their long johns

Minus 173 Fahrenheit
Alcohol freezes
Glaswegians upset because all the pubs shut

Minus 297 Fahrenheit
Microbial life starts to disappear
The cows in Dumfriesshire complain about farmers with cold hands

Minus 460 Fahrenheit
All atomic motion stops
Shetlanders stomp their feet and blow on their hands

Minus 500 Fahrenheit
Hell freezes over
Scotland supports England in the World Cup
arborlad

smile...it confuses people

arborlad
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Post by arborlad » Fri Jun 25, 2010 8:07 pm

English To Confuse Foreign Learners

The farm was used to produce produce.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
The bandage was wound around the wound.
arborlad

smile...it confuses people

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WILL*REMAIN*STRONG
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Post by WILL*REMAIN*STRONG » Tue Jul 06, 2010 5:40 pm

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.
She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked:
"Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"

"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair
remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have
really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they
will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under
your cassock?"

"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not
lie."

"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask
you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'.

The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented
himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to
declare?"

"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my
son”, he replied.

Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the
sash down, what do you have?"

The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument
designed for use by women, but which has never been used."

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said "Go ahead Father.
Next!"

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Post by WILL*REMAIN*STRONG » Wed Jul 07, 2010 11:48 am

Learn Chinese in five minutes...

That's not right...
Sum Ting Wong

Are you harboring a fugitive?...
Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me ASAP...
Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man...
Dum Gai

Small Horse...
Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach?...
Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table...
Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a face lift...
Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here...
Wai So Dim?

I thought you were on a diet...
Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone...
No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week...
Wai Yu Kum Nao?

Staying out of sight...
Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile...
Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive...
Yu Stin Ki Pu

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Stoday
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Post by Stoday » Thu Jul 08, 2010 1:33 am

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
He replied, “She called Five Horses".
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian name. It mean........





. . . NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"

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Post by WILL*REMAIN*STRONG » Tue Jul 13, 2010 11:48 am

The church is struck by lightning. The insurance company refuses to pay out for damages incurred, as there is a specific disclaimer clause for 'An act of God', which, amongst others, lightning is classified as.
The priest goes to every household and asks for a donation to rebuild the church.
One christian farmer protested, "I'm sorry, pastor, but I can't give money to somebody who set his own house alight!"

arborlad
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Post by arborlad » Wed Aug 11, 2010 5:54 pm

Aviation rules and reminders

* Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.

* If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. Unless you keep pulling the stick back...then they get bigger again.

* Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

* The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

* The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

* Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great landing.' It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.

* The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

* A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down -- all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly -- they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.

* Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

* There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

* The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as co-pilot is a co-pilot who once was a captain.

* It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.

* A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.

* Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

* Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a fire hydrant what it thinks about dogs.
arborlad

smile...it confuses people

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Stoday
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Post by Stoday » Tue Sep 07, 2010 6:38 pm

Complaints from Council House tenants. These are genuine clips from council complaint letters:

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

6. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

7. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

8. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

9. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant

10. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

11. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

14. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC 2.

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Post by arborlad » Fri Oct 08, 2010 7:19 pm

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."

Groucho Marx
arborlad

smile...it confuses people

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