Feeling blue ... tell me your own best-ever joke, please

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arborlad
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Location: Hertfordshire

Post by arborlad » Tue Oct 26, 2010 6:21 pm

If the bank returns your cheque marked, "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them.
arborlad

smile...it confuses people

appledore
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Joined: Wed Apr 12, 2006 3:50 pm

Re: Feeling blue ... tell me your own best-ever joke, please

Post by appledore » Thu Oct 28, 2010 7:01 pm

The Original Computer!!!

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A programme was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy ....

You just hoped nobody ever found out!!!!
Keep calm and carry on.

Uriah Heap
Posts: 238
Joined: Fri Jun 01, 2007 10:21 pm

Re: Feeling blue ... tell me your own best-ever joke, please

Post by Uriah Heap » Fri Oct 29, 2010 5:00 am

appledore wrote:The Original Computer!!!

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A programme was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy ....

You just hoped nobody ever found out!!!!
when i was a teenager my floppys used to be 8 inches and hard ones were the size of a briefcase. nowadays my RAM is ultra low powered and my dongle is the size of a gherkin. i miss the old days

arborlad
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Location: Hertfordshire

Re: Feeling blue ... tell me your own best-ever joke, please

Post by arborlad » Sat Nov 06, 2010 3:07 pm

News Headlines 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia , formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock. Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-years, $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.
Library of Congress opens its records to the public:

George W. Bush and Dick Cheney: Guilty as Hell!
George H. W. Bush Discovered To Be The "Third Shooter" at Kennedy Assassination!
Monica Lewinisky's Dress actually stained with cod liver oil and shampoo!
Karl Rove Ballerina Pictures Revealed!
The Evangelicals' Receipt for George W. Bush found!!
Laura Bush: Formerly A Man
Dubya's Real Plan to Solve the 10 Trillian Dollar Deficit: Cash in all his Haliburton Stock and his chair to the Carlyle Group
arborlad

smile...it confuses people

arborlad
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Joined: Sun Jul 09, 2006 6:30 pm
Location: Hertfordshire

Re: Feeling blue ... tell me your own best-ever joke, please

Post by arborlad » Sun Nov 14, 2010 2:15 pm

Lean a little..............

The family wheeled Grandma out on to the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up and stuffed pillows on her right side.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said ....
'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew......

'Bastards won't let me fart.’
arborlad

smile...it confuses people

zaax
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Re: Feeling blue ... tell me your own best-ever joke, please

Post by zaax » Sun Dec 19, 2010 8:03 pm

I've just renamed my wifi network to "Police Surveillance Van #02".
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
I know nothing about the law.

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Mattylad
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Re: Feeling blue ... tell me your own best-ever joke, please

Post by Mattylad » Sun Dec 19, 2010 8:09 pm

zaax wrote:I've just renamed my wifi network to "Police Surveillance Van #02".
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Good idea that - might just try it.
Any comments I give here are my own opinions, for legal advise check with a qualified solicitor.

arborlad
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Location: Hertfordshire

Re: Feeling blue ... tell me your own best-ever joke, please

Post by arborlad » Sun Feb 13, 2011 3:57 pm

How the internet started

Well, you might have thought that you knew how the Internet started, but here's the TRUE story ...

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said: "How, dear?"

And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have forsale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price.

And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP)

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted - for insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.

And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.
And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)

And that is how it all began.
arborlad

smile...it confuses people

mugwump
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Re: Feeling blue ... tell me your own best-ever joke, please

Post by mugwump » Sun Feb 13, 2011 8:48 pm

Excellent! :lol:

Avenger
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Re: Feeling blue ... tell me your own best-ever joke, please

Post by Avenger » Tue Feb 15, 2011 10:33 am

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
they had been over-enthusiastic on the "Bacardi
breezers."
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to
go home.
The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned
that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that
said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.' "

arborlad
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Location: Hertfordshire

Re: Feeling blue ... tell me your own best-ever joke, please

Post by arborlad » Mon Mar 14, 2011 7:46 pm

The Jury
In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to get out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of . . .

A defendant was on trial for murder.

There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

In the defence’s closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that the accused would probably be convicted, gave a sly smile to his client then resorted to a trick.



"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a big surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.

"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door.

The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.



A minute passed. Nothing happened.



Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement.

But you all looked on with anticipation.

I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, thus I have no doubt that you must return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury retired to deliberate.

A short while later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.



"But why?" inquired the lawyer.

"You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."



The jury foreman replied:




"Yes, we all did look, but your client didn't."
arborlad

smile...it confuses people

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Stoday
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Location: Suffolk

Re: Feeling blue ... tell me your own best-ever joke, please

Post by Stoday » Thu Mar 17, 2011 12:05 am

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery.

As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, " F**king hell I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty
years."

Emulated
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WRONG EMAIL ADDRESS

Post by Emulated » Wed Mar 23, 2011 9:11 pm

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2009

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is f****** hot down here!

arborlad
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Location: Hertfordshire

Re: Feeling blue ... tell me your own best-ever joke, please

Post by arborlad » Wed Mar 23, 2011 9:24 pm

This one is real:

CAPAPABLE PERSON
TO LOOK AFTER 2 CHILDREN
plus other animals, to help with
holiday cottages and caravan site.
Must be self motivated and be able
to drive.
LIVE-IN AVAILABLE.
Contact ***** *** ***

Taken from last weeks FARMERS WEEKLY 18th MARCH
arborlad

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Emulated
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Two women in heaven.

Post by Emulated » Wed Mar 30, 2011 11:09 am

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

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