Feeling blue ... tell me your own best-ever joke, please

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appledore
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Re: Feeling blue ... tell me your own best-ever joke, please

Post by appledore » Sat May 21, 2011 7:06 pm

REASONS NOT TO EXERCISE.

1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the heck
she is.

2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.

3. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes he would have put them further up our body.

4. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

5. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
Keep calm and carry on.

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WILL*REMAIN*STRONG
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Re: Feeling blue ... tell me your own best-ever joke, please

Post by WILL*REMAIN*STRONG » Mon Jun 13, 2011 12:59 pm

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack
Schitt'! Owe-well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.
The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.*
*Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

Uriah Heap
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Re: Feeling blue ... tell me your own best-ever joke, please

Post by Uriah Heap » Sat Jul 16, 2011 10:39 pm

Thought I'd lighten the atmos. with a few jokes from my kids' Christmas crackers:

What's the last thing to go through a fly's brain when it hits your windscreen?
Its bum.

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A Walk.

What' green and yellow and green and yellow and green and yellow ...?
A frog in a spin dryer.

What's green and red and red and red and red ....?
A frog in a liquidiser.

What's brown and steams and comes out of cowes backwards?
The Isle of Wight ferry.

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

What's green and smells of pork.
Kermit's middle finger. (Hmm. I don't get that. :? My wife says she doesn't either.)

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Re: Feeling blue ... tell me your own best-ever joke, please

Post by WILL*REMAIN*STRONG » Thu Jul 21, 2011 5:29 pm

A bit out of date this one, but funny never the less.


While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Gordon Brown falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency dept at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time. So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Welcome to Heaven," says Saint Peter, "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer," says the PM. "I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself. He says that since the implementation of his new ‘HEAVEN CHOICES’ policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."

"But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," replies Brown. "I'm sorry .. But we have our rules," Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down ...all the way to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Harold Wilson and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped him out over the years --- John Smith, Michael Foot, Jim Callaghan, etc. The whole of the Labour Party leaders were there - everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.' They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Brown with a frosty drink, "Have a tequila and relax, Gord!"

"Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge,” says Brown, dejectedly. "This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!" Brown takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with the European Constitution and the Education, Immigration, Tough on Crime promises. They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Brown steps on the elevator and heads upward. When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate. So for 24 hours Brown is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special! "Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself, "Harold Wilson never prepared me for this!"

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says,” Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity.” With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Brown reflects for a minute ... Then answers:” Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.” So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox-affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate. He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Brown and puts an arm around his shoulder.” I don't understand," stammers a shocked Brown,” Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs,” Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!"

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Stoday
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Re: Feeling blue ... tell me your own best-ever joke, please

Post by Stoday » Sun Jul 24, 2011 5:38 am

Brown? You must have changed the name form Disraeli. :lol:

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Re: Feeling blue ... tell me your own best-ever joke, please

Post by WILL*REMAIN*STRONG » Sun Jul 24, 2011 8:08 pm

Image
Person complained to council to fix pot holes in road, council didn't listen! Person decided to remind the council. :lol:

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Re: Feeling blue ... tell me your own best-ever joke, please

Post by kad205 » Mon Jul 25, 2011 9:42 am

My sister has a glass baby.... she married a guy with crystal balls !

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Re: Feeling blue ... tell me your own best-ever joke, please

Post by WILL*REMAIN*STRONG » Mon Jul 25, 2011 10:21 am

kad205 wrote:My sister has a glass baby.... she married a guy with crystal balls !
Teeheeee you know this could run and run…

My sister has a baby named Homer, she married a man with dough balls.

My other sister has a very round baby which you have to kick out the way, she married a man with footballs.

My cousin has a baby named Casper, she married a man with haunted balls.

My other cousin has an invisible baby, she married a man with no balls.



:lol:

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Re: Feeling blue ... tell me your own best-ever joke, please

Post by kad205 » Mon Jul 25, 2011 10:45 am

:lol:

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Re: Feeling blue ... tell me your own best-ever joke, please

Post by WILL*REMAIN*STRONG » Mon Jul 25, 2011 5:23 pm

Awww but think of all the babies that melt because their dads had snow balls. :(

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Re: Feeling blue ... tell me your own best-ever joke, please

Post by kad205 » Tue Jul 26, 2011 8:02 am

:(

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Re: Feeling blue ... tell me your own best-ever joke, please

Post by WILL*REMAIN*STRONG » Tue Jul 26, 2011 11:09 am

My sister’s baby is covered in dust, she married a man with moths balls.

My other sister has two babies, one of them she can drive like a car, and the other asks you to take a swing at him all the time. She married a man with golf balls.

My poor sister lost a baby due to it just bouncing away, her husband has beach balls.

A cousin of mine has a baby that makes a clicking and chirping sound, her husband has cricket balls.

Another cousins baby is a total basket case…you just know what her husbands balls are!!!

One cousin keeps leaving her baby places, but its ok, her husband didn’t have balls, just a boomerang.

Another cousin has a baby that repeatedly goes back and forth between mum and dad, dad has ping pong balls.

I saw a baby once who just threw himself across the floor constantly towards other babies, I bet the dad had bowls.

:lol: :oops:

appledore
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Re: Feeling blue ... tell me your own best-ever joke, please

Post by appledore » Tue Jul 26, 2011 6:29 pm

What about the baby who disappeared because the father had rubber balls. :oops:
Keep calm and carry on.

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Re: Feeling blue ... tell me your own best-ever joke, please

Post by WILL*REMAIN*STRONG » Tue Jul 26, 2011 7:22 pm

appledore wrote:What about the baby who disappeared because the father had rubber balls. :oops:
:lol: :lol: :lol:

He had 3 rubber balls, one child bounced away, one rubbed away and the other is a pencil sharpener. :lol:

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Stoday
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Re: Feeling blue ... tell me your own best-ever joke, please

Post by Stoday » Tue Jul 26, 2011 11:40 pm

This ethnic joke might be a bit strong, but I'll let the moderator sort it if necessary.


A dark-skinned lady was flying with her son with a small airline.

Some time after departure, the captain came on the intercom to say that the plane was losing height and the baggage would have to be dumped for the aircraft to regain buoyancy. That worked for an hour or so.

Some time later the captain again spoke to the passengers "we are losing height; now that there's no more baggage to dump, we shall have to dump passengers. To be fair to everyone, we'll depart in alphabetic order."

"Anyone an African?" There came no answer. "Anyone black?" Again no answer.

The little boy tugged on his mother's coat sleeve and said "We is African, why didn't you put your hand up? We is black, why didn't you put your hand up?"

His mother replied "For the purpose of this exercise, we is niggers. Let's see the Muslims go first"



Note to moderator — If the n-word in unacceptable, substitute "Zulu".

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